Divorce isn't it selfish?

[Guest kenshi64]

Well more than often we've seen that children are the most scar ridden after divorces, so:

1. Why didn't their parents terminate the marriage peacefully and quickly
   
2. Why did they(no biases here) get married for the sex
   
3. Why can't they choose between eternal argument and working things out
   

Quite obviously the aftermath is really severe for a child, who has his whole life ahead of him, from this perspective.

FOR and AGAINST lets roll!! pick a side!

[elmar]

Divorce is selfish, but I can't imagine somebody willing to put themselves through the pain of a marriage they no longer feel affection for just for the sake of their child's happiness.

I think the aftermath of divorce is not as dominant as it was years ago, although I'm sure this is due to a wider percentage of the population experiencing a split family. It's more common to have 2 separate lives with each parent. But, regardless of how much occurs, divorce does not have so much of an effect on the child.

[Arrowhead]

Well, I think it's more complicated than that. A lot of marriages start off expecting the best. You will rarely find two individuals who choose to marry each other out of love, think when they are getting married that it would end up in flames. People do try to make it work, but marriage is hard work, and sometimes people get into it because it's romantic, or feels right at the time, when they've just not gained the emotional maturity to be able to handle it.

Some marriages don't end peacefully and quickly because there are two people involved in it and both parties may not want the marriage to end. For example, a wife who doesn't want to be with her husband anymore or vice versa but the other spouse believes that they can still work it out, they are in denial and unwilling to let go, or maybe they're right as well, you never know. That's why some of these divorces get drawn out and become winded and messy affairs. In a large number of cases where things are so bad that one spouse is willing to push for a divorce despite knowing it would get messy, the other spouse fights back to try and avoid a scandal. They delude themselves in thinking that if they refuse hard enough, if they ask for obscene amounts of things in alimony or what-not, the former will come to their senses and call it off. It could also come down to a matter of pride, there are a number of spouses who refuse to be "that woman" or "that man" whose husband/wife left her/him.

People don't just get married for sex, well not in the modern world where pre-marital sex is not taboo. You can have sex without getting married with ease. People get married because they believe that the partnership of marriage will be useful or beneficial for them. They think it's the right move forward and that they have found a like-minded person that they are fatally attracted to, or believe is the right person for them, for any multitudinous reasons.

When a married couple decides to get divorced it is indeed a sad day. But forcing two people to be together to try and keep their children happy is being unfair to those people. Sure they have a responsibility to their to try and give them a stable home, but if a couple is married only for them, well it's giving them a wrong idea of what a marriage is supposed to be like. Children try and emulate their parents marriage when they grow older, it's giving them the wrong impression of what an ideal marriage is like.

Errr... I hope that made some sense.

Edited August 9, 2014 by Arrowhead

[Jaymi]

Okay well my parents are divorced and it definately scared me. Especially the moments leading up to the divorce such as the fights and slamming of doors, this was alot for a child to take in. When my parents finally divorced, they had a custody battle and sitting in court when i should have actually been in school was terrifying and a horrible experience. Eventually my dad won.

Yea it was a gruelling experience for me at especially a young age but now both my parents ar happy, when they were together they fought alot, this scars a child. Yet, after divorce, they're leading very happy lives.

So in my opinion, theres pros and cons to divorce. Yes it scars a child, but it will eventually help everybody move in life and grow to their potential AND be happy=) This is just my point of view guys.

[Daedalus]

I honestly think this post does nothing so well as make a case for the (sorely missed) thumbs down button.

The real problem btw is the making of poor marriages -- people feel obliged to marry. I'd rather live with a woman I love for twenty years, then part amicably, then call it marriage and have to do all that paperwork. (we can still do the honeymoon, though. several times.)

[Guest kenshi64]

@Daedalus- I don't get you, care to elaborate on what you said? Though on a more personal note I'd say its question of opinion, are you from a split family? if you were, well, your opinion wouldn't be so.

Good discussion to the rest, Jaymi's experience is what I'm talking about, sometimes when these door slamming fights get prolonged, boy, its hell to say the least!!

Arrowhead to debate what you said; the world's moving ahead, and we do have facebook to ruin marriages to, so the number of divorces are increasing no doubt, making a common occurrence for society, but just because you're saved from the staring and all, does divorce mean less?

A child is cut into two literally, I mean two seperate lives, one with each parent, I'm not say no to divorce, just prolonging it..

Also the sex before marriage is not so popular everywhere and not for generation before us, I mean we'reaping happiness as teens but in some conservative cultures in India there's some strict checking and interrogating done before the marriage.

You're right in saying that a marriage shouldn't work for just for the children, that's a well argued last paragraph, but since this is debate.. If the parents did realise that the marriage was not working before that had a child they, why on earth DID they have one? Well to the latter there's no arguing that if its not working and you got a kid in it, call it splits asap, not just for the kid but for the parents too.

By the way please note that thsoe 3 point I started off with were just a kick-start, feel free to bring new ones into discussion!!

[Gee :)]

Well more than often we've seen that children are the most scar ridden after divorces, so:

1. Why didn't their parents terminate the marriage peacefully and quickly
   
2. Why did they(no biases here) get married for the sex
   
3. Why can't they choose between eternal argument and working things out
   

Quite obviously the aftermath is really severe for a child, who has his whole life ahead of him, from this perspective.

FOR and AGAINST lets roll!! pick a side!

I don't agree with any of that.

Yes,we have seen that children are scarred by divorces.However,

1)I really think that most times when people get divorced ,its not like they wanted it to happen.Thus,the trauma of a failing marriage (I assume) makes it difficult to remain peaceful.

2)Who said they got married for the sex?That is a pretty narrow minded approach.That would be like saying you think that if two people can't get along anymore then the only thing they liked about each other in the first place is sex.I would disagree

3)Why would anyone ever want to remain in an unhappy marriage?Really?That is a terrible thing for anyone regardless of whether or not they have kids.Imagine the poor children who would have to live with 2 unhappy parents under the impression that a marriage is supposed to be like that.Personally,I'd rather be emotionally scarred by divorce than be deluded by flawed impressions of marriage.I believe that if you're unhappy and as a parent,it reflects in your parenting and thus, eternal arguing would be completely unhealthy for everyone.

In my opinion

[Gee :)]

If the parents weren't getting along,I'd assume the child was (for lack of a better phrase) unintentional.

That said, that would be a ridiculously poor decision on the part of the parents.Personally I would never procreate with a person I didn't like regardless of how much I wanted children.

I think its unfortunate if (if I'm getting you correctly) there are people out there entering marriage just so they can have sex.That sounds way worse than the negative consequences of having premarital sex.

I don't think divorce should be prolonged.That would just be wasting time that could be spent being happy.Judging from my experiences,although divorces are traumatic and definitely have an impact,I think that they should happen wherever necessary.It doesn't necessarily mean that child is going to grow into an unhealthy person or that your life will be ruined.It's one of life's challenges.

[JoeG]

My parents are divorced, and my Dad is actually a Family Law and Divorce lawyer. Irony lol.

To be honest, I haven't thought about the subject of divorce that much. I was young, around 7 or 8, when my parents were divorced so I've been used to it and really don't have any major issues with it. Sure, it sucks that my parents are divorced but it was their decision.

If a couple is really suffering and can't bear to stay with eachother, then there's going to be some unhappiness in the family.

With unhappy family members, then that negative energy is going to affect the child. With all the fighting in the household and negativity in the household, it would be better for the parents to be happy and seperated rather than together and miserable.

There are many reasons for divorce. Sometimes a person can be a total sociopath, which is a pretty good reason for divorce. Other times, a person can be abusive, lazy, stealing their partner's money, etc.

Marriage (at least in American Western Culture) is dependent upon the mutual love of the two partners. If those two are suffering together and can't manage to solve their problems, then divorce is an optimal solution.

I'm sorry if I'm being illogical, I haven't slept in 20 hours lol.

Edited July 26, 2011 by JoeGuff

[Sandwich]

Equally you could say it's selfish to NOT divorce. Can you imagine having to grow up with your parents perpetually fighting, getting you to take sides, using you as a bargaining tool in all their squabbling? It'd be pretty hard to just take that your whole life - whereas if they'd had a divorce you'd see them both separately and can get to know both of them, and not be part of any arguments, powerplay or just the horrible emotional environment that is two people you love a lot being angry with each other.

Personally I think in that situation it's just as selfish to keep it going when it's all a sham and very bitter as it is to have a painful divorce. Your kids are going to know either way, and there's no amicable way of solving a situation if there's a dispute as part of it (some people do divorce quite calmly). The people I know whose parents are in sham marriages - not sleeping with each other, barely speaking, having affairs, 'holding it together for the kids' - are the more messed up. If you don't get on with each other any more, then only a pair of total idiots would have planned it that way. In the grand choice between living in misery and moving on past it, you'd have to be pretty masochistic to stick with it, and it's unlikely to do anybody else a favour either - you or your kids.

Until the invention of future sight or time travel, there will always be people who get married and then find out it's not working for them. You or I are probably just as likely to make this mistake as anyone else, because people don't know it's going to happen when they get married. Casting blame at people or saying parents are selfish for having children before having some magic knowledge of whether or not it's going to work out for them is hugely unrealistic

[Guest kenshi64]

Equally you could say it's selfish to NOT divorce. Can you imagine having to grow up with your parents perpetually fighting, getting you to take sides, using you as a bargaining tool in all their squabbling? It'd be pretty hard to just take that your whole life - whereas if they'd had a divorce you'd see them both separately and can get to know both of them, and not be part of any arguments, powerplay or just the horrible emotional environment that is two people you love a lot being angry with each other.

Personally I think in that situation it's just as selfish to keep it going when it's all a sham and very bitter as it is to have a painful divorce. Your kids are going to know either way, and there's no amicable way of solving a situation if there's a dispute as part of it (some people do divorce quite calmly). The people I know whose parents are in sham marriages - not sleeping with each other, barely speaking, having affairs, 'holding it together for the kids' - are the more messed up. If you don't get on with each other any more, then only a pair of total idiots would have planned it that way. In the grand choice between living in misery and moving on past it, you'd have to be pretty masochistic to stick with it, and it's unlikely to do anybody else a favour either - you or your kids.

Until the invention of future sight or time travel, there will always be people who get married and then find out it's not working for them. You or I are probably just as likely to make this mistake as anyone else, because people don't know it's going to happen when they get married. Casting blame at people or saying parents are selfish for having children before having some magic knowledge of whether or not it's going to work out for them is hugely unrealistic

Yep! that's the point I was trying to make(paragraph 1)thanks Sandwich.

[n0urhan]

No, its not selfish! At least not always....not in many cases.

As a matter of fact, it can actually be selfish irresponsible not to get a divorce. Yes divorces can be bitter and ugly and in some cases can affect children but sometimes having parents who are staying in a relationship that is in no way working can be much much worse!

I am actually talking from what I experience daily here. My parents are in a relationship (Not even sure if I can call it that anymore) that is not working on so many levels. They are two people who simply no longer have any love or respect for one another. Sometimes this just happens and there is no way of preventing it!

Now, this will probably sound terrible, but I actually wish my parents would get divorced!

They fight much more often than they talk normally, the insult most commonly used by both my parents has become: You are just like your dad/mum and the atmosphere in the house whenever they are together is EXTREMELY negative!

Perhaps the worst part of it all though, is seeing that the both of them are unhappy, at least with that part of their lives. I always wonder how different and happier they would both be if they simply moved on.

Wanting them to stay together, even though it makes them unhappy would actually be selfish of me/you

I am 100% sure that it would be best for all the members of my family for my parents to divorce and the only thing I want is to figure out how to tell them that!

So in conclusion basically, parents should be responsible and always do whatever is better for their children. In most cases what is better for them, is better for the children! Sometimes parents are under the impression that they should stay together for the sake of their children, but if this is making them miserable then its definitely not in the best interest of their kids. Because at the end, the thing much more important than them being together, is them being happy people able to simply be there for you emotionally and physically!

Sometimes, divorce is truly the best option...

[TurtleR]

I agree with the posters saying that it would be selfish to NOT divorce in some cases. it would be much harder on a child if they had to witness their parents in arguements all the time.

However I thought I should point out that divorce is not really a question of selfishness, its more a question of "Who am I going to affect?". It's a careful choice, and not many people who get divorced actually WANT to be single, they just wish that they had made a better choice in terms of a lifelong partner.

[ShootingStars]

I think it depends on each individual case. What if there aren't any children? What if it was an arranged marriage and they didn't know what they were getting themselves into? What if it is scarring for the children to be in such an unstable environment where their parents are always fighting? What if it worked out in the beginning, and they tried very hard, but it just wasn't meant to be?

And on a humorous note, (I don't agree with this personally), but more cynical people would argue, what isn't selfish? Even good deeds make you feel good, thus are selfish in a way, right?