Writing help

[Higaaa!!]

Hi, I'm new to this site and really wish I had found this earlier in the year, but I figured I'd make use of it at least somewhat this year

Anyways, I'm an HA1 student this year and I'm not really sure what formal name of our assignment is because our teacher and the entire class has called it "The Beast" all year. I guess maybe from looking on here that Historical Investigation would be the proper term? Its a 3500-4000 word research paper.

The due date is 5/12/10, and so I'm trying to fine tune everything because its worth a lot of points. But right now I'm having trouble with my intro and I just wanted to see if I could get some help with it?

"In 1766, The Royal Society (a learned society for science and the improvement of natural knowledge) hired James Cook to travel the Pacific Ocean in order to observe and record the transit of Venus across the Sun. During this voyage Cook discovered the Possession Islands and upon his return to Britain was promoted to Commander and commissioned to search for the mythical Terra Australias (the hypothesized continent that was prominent on historical maps in the 18th century) because his first voyage had proven that New Zealand was not connected to a larger land mass in the south of which they suspected to be Terra Australias. On October 1 1773, Cook and his crew arrived at Tonga where Cook exclaimed “I thought I was transported into one of the most fertile plains of Europe... Nature assisted by a little art, nowhere appears in a more flourishing state than at this isle”. Cook and his crew sailed away a week later, continuing in their search of the Terra Australias, but the beauty and rich fertility of the polynesian isles would prompt the necessity of a third voyage."

Thats what I have so far, so any help would be appreciated.

Also, my research question is "How did the missionaries impact the cultural identity of Hawaii?"

Thanks.

[sweetnsimple786]

That sounds like an Extended Essay, although you're supposed to be able to choose whichever topic you want from just about any subject. The Historical Investigation is a lot shorter.

You've probably heard this a lot, but try to have a hook in your introduction that you can easily relate to your main idea. Include basics that the reader might need to know as part of a good background on your topic and then lay out the structure of the rest of your essay. You can do this with a general or specific thesis.

I like what you've done so far. You integrated the quotations nicely. However, that may not be the best approach for an introduction because I don't see how you're going to transition to cover what the rest of your paper is about. If see a segue into that, then go for it. Otherwise, maybe you can start with the significance of your topic in today's world and go from there. I don't know anything about your topic, so I can't really help more. Good luck.

[Higaaa!!]

Ok, I guess its the Extended Essay then. We got to choose our own topics.

Alright so; Hook, Background, and then Structure.

I think the whole hook part is the part that I am having trouble with. Do you have any suggestions for that?

[sweetnsimple786]

If I knew something about your topic, maybe I could help you more.

For my EE, I started with a rhyme that kids use to remember dates "In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue" and related it to my topic--the Moorish and Catholic empires in a region in Spain and how architecture of one palace revealed different things about these empires. It was ironic because the reason that Columbus supposedly discovered the new route to "India" is because of the collapse of the Moorish empire. It was just an interesting detail that kind of helped me make my paper connect. I don't know if you can apply that to your situation.

[Higaaa!!]

Basically my topic is the Hawaiian cultural identity. Showing how because the missionaries (having a calvinist view) were appalled by attitude, traditions, and customs of the natives. Thus they supported sugar plantations because they felt that the work on the plantations would cause the natives to change their ways, but the natives were not interested in continued labor, rather they preferred subsistence living lifestyles. Sugar plantations required lots of cheap, controllable labor though, so with the reluctance of the natives to work on the plantations, they looked elsewhere for labor. As a result there were lots of Chinese, Spanish, Portuguese, and later Japanese immigrants which diversified the culture and added more complexity to the social hierarchy.

I like the idea of tying something like you did with the Columbus rhyme, and I'm now researching other events that occurred in the same year that James Cook discovered Hawaii to tie into that as hook. Do you think that thats a good idea?

[sweetnsimple786]

I wouldn't spend a lot of time on it. Mine was kind of something I learned a few years ago that linked with my EE by coincidence.

Hmm if I was writing this paper, I might start with how we perceive the average Hawaiian. I think of Lilo and Stitch and other movies. I definitely don't think of these European and Asian immigrants living there. I might start with the misperception of Hawaiians and diversity and quickly move onto the central argument, connecting the first 2-3 sentences to the rest of the intro paragraph because the paper is about how much of the diversity got there.

I know I only finished the EE a few months ago, but I can't remember what exactly goes in the introduction versus what goes in the abstract, so look at that. And make sure you've looked at the EE guide [http://www.ibsurvival.com/index.php?app=downloads&showfile=109].

[Higaaa!!]

How does this sound?

Who hasn’t heard of the exotic hula girl stereotype, the lazy Hawaiian stereotype, the big brown Samoan guy chopping up a pineapple in his grass hut stereotype, or even the place where little girls adopt dogs who turn out to be aliens that can play Elvis records stereotype? OK, maybe that last one was just a Disney movie, but even so, all of these stereotypes have one thing in common. They all portray the culture of Hawaii as being a singular and undiversified identity. When however, the cultural identity of the Hawaiian Islands makes the state the most diverse state in the entire union as a result of the British Captain, James Cook who discovered them on his third and final voyage on the HMS Resolution while trying to find the Terra Australias (the hypothesized continent that appeared prominent on most 18th century maps in Europe). Upon his arrival and exploration of the islands Cook exclaimed “I thought I was transported into one of the most fertile plains of Europe... Nature assisted by a little art, nowhere appears in a more flourishing state than at this isle”. Even though Cook and his crew departed from the islands a week later, Cook’s detailed journals would attract the rest of Europe and later the United States who with their thoughts of expansion and attaining fertile lands that also made a great place to port that would make trades with the East easier and more profitable. And with the expansionist settlers also came the missionaries who could (and should) be largely attributed with the diversification of the Hawaiian cultural identity.

[sweetnsimple786]

It's funny to see the voice in that paragraph change.

I like that you're comfortable with the topic, but I think you should edit the first two sentences. Try to make it more... formal. I don't want to make it sound like it should be boring & I don't think that there's one particular way to write that is the best. Still be yourself and show your voice, but be a little less informal, I guess.

Lilo and Stitch reference ahh

You might be able to start it here, if you like

The culture of Hawaii is portrayed as being a singular and undiversified identity. When however, the cultural identity of the Hawaiian Islands makes the state the most diverse state in the entire union as a result of the British Captain, James Cook who discovered them on his third and final voyage on the HMS Resolution while trying to find the Terra Australias (the hypothesized continent that appeared prominent on most 18th century maps in Europe). Upon his arrival and exploration of the islands Cook exclaimed “I thought I was transported into one of the most fertile plains of Europe... Nature assisted by a little art, nowhere appears in a more flourishing state than at this isle”. Even though Cook and his crew departed from the islands a week later, Cook’s detailed journals would attract the rest of Europe and later the United States who with their thoughts of expansion and attaining fertile lands that also made a great place to port that would make trades with the East easier and more profitable. And with the expansionist settlers also came the missionaries who could (and should) be largely attributed with the diversification of the Hawaiian cultural identity.