Help on my IB Theater PPP Pitch

[Heather Kurle]

I really need help on my theater PPP. I missed the day that we did a peer edit in class, so I am hoping someone here (preferably someone who already did their PPP and got a good score on it) could offer me some constructive criticism about it. My stimulus was human DNA. Thanks!

This is my pitch currently:

DNA has many intriguing aspects to it. One interesting concept is how the two sides mirror each other so that each side is like a photo negative of the other. Using this, an interesting performance theme can emerge. For this performance, one person will be on each side of the stage. A wall will separate the stage in two, to contrast the two stories the actors will portray. Music will start and they will then both do the same dance, but will create different stories with it. The actor on the left will use the motions to create a comedy, ending with a marriage, and the one on the right will create a tragedy, using the same motions to portray a suicide. The show will be fairly short, only lasting one dance, to create poignancy. The person on the right will be wearing a simple costume of all black, while the person on the left will be wearing the same costumes, except it will be brightly colored. There will be several similar events throughout the dance, with both characters proposing to a girl, but one is accepted and one is rejected. It will create the theme that all people are really the same, but people in similar situations can cause widely different outcomes. This show will mainly be targeting adults because the theme is most applicable to them, but it will not be unsuitable for children.

[Rufless]

bump

[Rahul]

Firstly, don't bump posts on this forum. If you do, they're actually less likely to be seen as a bump removes them from the Unreplied Topics list, where many members check frequently to proffer their aid.

I'll do what I can to edit, although I'm not a student of IB Theatre but have looked through the guidelines and am not unfamiliar with the areas of theater.

• I think the DNA hook is really weak. There are many other things in life which create some form of "mirror image" or strong juxtaposition. There must be something else you can come up with to draw the marker in which is relevant!
  
• Using this, an interesting performance theme can emerge - this sentence is really awkward and serves as nothing but a transition. Maybe reword it, or use a transitional word or phrase instead.
  
• You use motions twice in a sentence - word choice and variety are lacking there.
  
• Don't say "the same costume - except"; this makes it seem like an identical costume with a small, not significant change. "A similar costume, but with inverted color brightness" or something of the sort would communicate your idea more clearly.
  
• Say create a theme of..., not create a theme that. Grammar!
  
• "All people are really the same" - are they really? I think what you're trying to get at is the similarities in the events in the lives of many; you should rephrase this both without the superlative all and to make more clear your intent. It will also remove the contradiction inherent in the sentence, when saying that people are all the same but different people cause different outcomes.
  
• Explain why the theme is most applicable to adults! Don't just say it is.
  
• Crop down some of your verbose phrases to better stay within the requirement - I know, how hypocritical of me!
  

And some general comments on your idea - friendly advice

• Why a wall? This will just obscure vision of those who are not sitting in the center of the center section. You should be able to use lighting or something else more subtle to communicate the separation and juxtaposition without impairing view.
  

[Rahul]

Hahahah and one other thing: Don't just say thanks here if you have nothing to add! Just hit the "like this" button at the right side of my post to thank me. Good luck, and you're very welcome.