School competition

[Jordz16]

Hello dear friends, i need your advice or suggestion about this essay i pasted below, its for a class essay

competition and need people to read it to see if it is good. so please can you help?

Being teenagers, my friends, will be the most important part of your life. But do we really want to live the most important part being judged by people who are just like us? So many people our age if not a little bit older go on about being yourself, because its the best thing you can be and all that, but at the end of the day arent those the people who judge you? Now, I cant understand that.

I dont believe that you should be living your life by everyone elses standards, you know be your own person! Im really not into the whole You have to have the nicest jeans or say the newest thing so it catches on. I hate that you have to be skinny, wear this, do that, be on his side, and have white teeth and straight hair. NO. That isnt what your life is about and I dont mean to burst your bubble, but trying to be perfect is a waste of time, because youre never going to get there. Do whatever you want, jump off a bridge, rob a bank, say what you want, eat what you want, wear what you want, maybe even get your heart broken a couple of times. Its all what makes your life worth living. Dont let people tell you No, you cant because Im standing here today telling you Yes, you can

Youre perfect the way you are, no matter what you wear, say and do. Live your life, because there may never be a tomorrow. Dont let silly people get you down. I understand that I cant tell you not to hear all these things people are telling you, but Im telling you not to listen. Yes, these comment hurt and I know its easier said than done, but its those comments that make you that much stronger and one day you will thank yourself for being as strong as you are today. There comes a time in your life, there has to come a time, where you get tired of listening to what everyone else is saying and what they think, its that time when you let go of the pointless drama and the people who create it and focus only on the good of life, because after all, lifes too short to be anything but happy. I find it really sad that were growing up in a society of people that constantly tell you who you have to be, and so many people get sucked into it, I can even say I do too. But its my understanding that I can be whoever I want that gets me through everyday here, and no one can take that away from me. My dear classmates, this is YOUR life, so start acting like it and let no-one get in your way.

Edited March 24, 2011 by Summer Glau
no text speak please =)

[Drake Glau]

Hello dear friends, i need your advice or suggestion about this essay i pasted below, its for a class essay

competition and need people to read it to see if it is good. so please can you help?

Being teenagers, my friends, will be the most important part of your life. But do we really want to live the most important part being judged by people who are just like us? So many people our age, if not a little bit older, go on about being yourself because it’s the best thing you can be. At the end of the day aren't those the people who judge you though? Now, I can’t understand that.

I do not believe that you should be living your life by everyone else’s standards, you know be your own person! I’m really not into the whole “you have to have the nicest jeans or say the newest thing" so it catches on. I hate that you have to be skinny, wear this, do that, be on his side, have white teeth, and have straight hair. NO. That is not what your life is about and trying to be perfect is a waste of time because you are never going to get there. Do whatever you want, jump off a bridge, rob a bank, say what you want to say, eat what you want to eat, wear what you want to wear, maybe even get your heart broken a couple of times. This is what makes your life worth living. Do not let people tell you “no, you can’t” because I’m standing here today telling you “yes, you can.”

You are perfect the way you are, no matter what you wear, say, or do. Live your life because there may never be a tomorrow. Do not let people get you down. I understand that I cannot tell you to ignore these things people are telling you, but I am telling you not to listen. Yes these comments hurt and I know its easier said than done, but its those comments that make you that much stronger and one day you will thank yourself for being as strong as you were that day. There comes a time in your life where you get tired of listening to what everyone else is saying and what they think. It will be that time when you let go of the pointless drama and the people who create it and focus only on the good of life because, after all, life is too short to be anything but happy. I find it really sad that we are growing up in a society of people that constantly tell you who you have to be. Many people get sucked into it, I can even say I do too. But it is my understanding that I can be whoever I want that gets me through every day of my life and no one can take that away from me. My dear classmates, this is your life, so start acting like it and let no one get in your way.

I bolded the stuff you might want to think about. The "NO." probably is not needed. It looks more formal and correct just with it completely removed. The "Live your life" can be expanded on a little to better convey your though. Maybe something like "Live your life the way you want to" or "Live your own life"; something to that effect so you get the same point across but with less ambiguity. "you know be your own person" makes no sense grammatically and I don't know what you are trying to say, sorry

"Now, I can’t understand that" maybe supposed to be "Now, I don't understand that"? Not sure.

Other than that it was pretty good at getting your point across. Never use contractions in an essay and make sure you don't ramble on too much and create run on sentences. Also check your commas (I changed a few of them) and transitions. General rule of thumb for commas is if you are not sure it should go there chances are it shouldn't be there and if it reads the EXACT same with and without the comma, you don't need it.